“Your Self-Love Must Be Stronger Than Your Desire to Be Loved by Others”

A continuation from my last blog, “The Unbecoming”

There comes a time in our healing journey when we must stop waiting to be chosen and start choosing ourselves.

This blog flows on from The Unbecoming, because that’s exactly what self-love is. It’s the unbecoming. The unlearning. The letting go of everything we were never meant to carry, stories, expectations, old voices that were never really ours.

And here’s something I know with every part of me:

Your self-love must be stronger than your desire to be loved by others.

When I First Started My Self-Love Journey

When I first started on my self-love journey in 2013, I was broken.
My nervous system was in a constant state of fight or flight, and trusting others felt impossible under the weight of everything I was carrying. The loss. The hurt. The question that haunted me on repeat: “Why me?”

Some days, the pain was so unbearable I genuinely thought I might break apart. It felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like the heaviness might swallow me whole. I had to physically pull myself out of bed some mornings, not because I wanted to, but because I knew if I didn’t try, I’d stay stuck in that darkness.

Everything started to shift when I turned inward instead of outward.
When I stopped waiting for someone else to save me… and decided to show up for myself.

It wasn’t easy. Not even close.
It became a daily practice, a habit I had to build from scratch, slowly replacing the patterns I had lived with my entire life. But I knew I had to do something that felt better than what I was feeling. Something that gave me even a glimpse of peace.

And now, in 2025, I get to stand in that light.
I get to help other women rise and remember their worth.

To be the light I so desperately needed back then.

 Where I Started

I remember the day I realised I didn’t even know how to love myself.
I had been so used to proving my worth to others, holding it all together, doing everything for everyone else… that when it came time to turn the love inward, I didn’t know how.

I was exhausted.
Burnt out from chasing love that felt conditional.
Worn down from giving so much of myself just to feel accepted.
And deep down, I had this aching feeling that maybe I wasn’t enough.

But that wasn’t the truth. It was just the story I had learned to believe.

My journey to self-love didn’t happen overnight. It wasn’t a big moment of enlightenment. It was a series of small, quiet promises I made to myself.
To keep showing up. To keep trying. To keep choosing me, even when it felt unfamiliar.

We Attract What We Believe

We attract what we feel about ourselves.
Our thoughts, our energy, it’s like a Wi-Fi signal. It only connects to what matches the frequency we’re broadcasting.

If we don’t see our own worth, we’ll keep drawing in people and situations that reflect that lack back to us.

So how do we change that signal?

Self-Love Is a Daily Practice

We start by how we show up for ourselves every single day.

– Are you taking pride in how you show up each day, or are you rushing out the door, treating yourself like an afterthought?
– Do you speak to yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend?
– Do you give yourself tiny luxuries, a slow coffee in the sun, a moment of stillness, a walk, a song that lifts your energy?

Self-love is a series of small actions. The tiniest ones matter the most.

It could be choosing to sit in the sunshine with your favourite drink and whispering, “I’m proud of how far I’ve come.”
It could be asking yourself, “Is this the truth, or is this my inner critic again?” (It’s almost always the critic.)
That one question changed so much for me. It gave me the awareness to pause, to choose different thoughts, to soften the self-blame.

Because if we spoke to our friends the way we speak to ourselves? We wouldn’t have many.

Self-love is also unlearning the words that never belonged to us.
The labels. The digs. The beliefs that someone else, in their own pain, tried to make us carry.

You do not have to keep repeating them.

You can choose new words, ones that make you feel grounded, worthy, and enough.
You can surround yourself with music, podcasts, affirmations that charge you up instead of draining you dry.

And most importantly, you can choose your circle.
Find the ones who see your light. Who pour into you.
Remove the shrinkers from your table and fill those seats with people who celebrate your expansion.

For me, that was the turning point, building my own table.
No longer begging for a seat at ones where I had to shrink.

That is what unbecoming gave me.

It gave me the space to love myself so deeply, that I no longer chased love that wasn’t meant for me.

And now? I want that for you, too.

Let this be your reminder:
You are not too much.
You are not behind.
You are not unworthy.

You are learning to love yourself in a way no one ever taught you to.
And that, my beautiful friend, is the most important relationship you’ll ever have. 

Self-Love Practices That Changed Everything

Here are some of the simple but powerful things I started doing, and still do, to remind myself that I am worth the love I used to chase:

Mirror Work
Each morning, I’d stand in front of the mirror, look into my own eyes, and say something kind. Even if it felt awkward. “You’re doing your best.” “I’m proud of you.” “You’re enough.”

Daily Rituals of Care
Lighting a candle. Making the bed with intention. Wearing something I love. Small moments that made me feel nurtured.

 Self-Talk Awareness
Asking myself: “Is this true, or is this my inner critic again?” Awareness was the gateway to rewiring my internal world.

Nature Breaks
Sitting in the sun. Walking without my phone. Letting the world soften me back into my breath.

Treat Yourself Like You Matter
Buying myself flowers. Enjoying a solo coffee date. Dressing up just for me. No occasion needed, I am the occasion.

Nourish Your Mind
I chose to only give airtime to what lifted me. Podcasts, music, voices that reminded me of my worth.

Build a Soul-Lifting Circle
I lovingly walked away from spaces where I felt small, and filled my table with people who celebrated my growth.

Final Thoughts

Self-love isn’t always loud.
Sometimes it’s messy.
Sometimes it’s tear-streaked and quiet.
But it’s yours.

And when you build it from within, no one can take it away from you.

So, if you're reading this, wondering if you’re worthy of that kind of love…
Let me say it clearly:

You are.

You always were.
You just needed to come home to yourself.

While most of the souls I support are women, I know this message is universal. If you're reading this and it resonates - this is for you, too. You’re not alone, and you are so worthy of showing up for yourself, exactly as you are.

showing up for yourself, exactly as you are.

Journal Prompt:

What is one small way I can show myself love today that reminds me I am already enough?

With big love & limitless belief in you,
Renee xx